What would you do
If I told you
That probably maybe incandescently possibly
I like you too?
Why must human feelings come in so many complicated, frustrating forms?
I have two good friends. They both gravitated to me until I am spending most of my free time with them. Both have things about them that oblige me to "be a good example" to offset their immaturity. I like them, but in a way I can't just be myself with them. I don't want their personalities to "rub off on me." Though I want to love them, they are a burden on my heart.
I have a very good teacher who, due to some sudden circumstances, cannot be with us in class anymore. I want to work harder than ever in the class and do little thoughtful things for him during this hard time. The feeling I have for him is pure, but the norm of student/teacher relationships doesn't allow me to express the depth of the sympathy and respect I have for him as another human being. I would either be seen as a "brown-noser" for a good grade or a silly girl with a crush.
I have a "friend" who really puts me on edge. At the best of times it's a guarded tolerance for his eccentricity, at other times I am downright repulsed. How do I tell a "friend" I do not want to be friends anymore? I don't know, so I go on smiling and pretending.
An acquaintance I am obliged to spend time with just really bugs me. There is no other way to put it. She rubs me the wrong way, drives me nuts, whatever idiom tickles your fancy. I wouldn't mind being just civil, but I have to put up a front of being concerned about her and liking her. I dislike the falsity more than I dislike her.
In fact, there is something false in all these relationships. Before I went away to college, relationships were happy, defined, taken for granted. I guess I was very sheltered, or very blessed, because now things are quite different. I have strange feelings and strange relationships. Dislike for my feelings and dislike for "friends" are new experiences.
I think I am just holding out, waiting for something ugly and false in me and others around me to be transfigured into something beautiful and real...
About Me
- Leah
- こんにちは！ I'm Leah, a Christian college student; I like reading, learning Japanese, and beautiful things like trees, semi-colons, and warm brownies. And that's me in a nutshell! *Help! I'm stuck in a nutshell...*
Friends and Links of Note
Literary Diet
Heidi and Karen have good ideas...
3 comments:
i LIKE this post very much. Yes, I think you did have a lovely childhood... just how it should be by the sounds of it ;-)
You described the different feelings that you experience when you interact with different people. Have you ever considered flipping the situation on its head and to reflect that you might generate all of those feelings in others as you interact with them too? Even though you think you are x, to others, you are x,y,z,a,b,c etc.
A good book about all this that has really helped me relate to others is Knowing Me Knowing You. My review of that is HERE if you want it.
First of all, thank your for your interesting comments lately on my blog, Arukiyomi! When I have a spare moment I like reading your blog, too...if a book is recommended to me I usually look it up on your blog before I try reading it.^^
That book sounds good, especially if it's written from a Christian point of view.
And oh, isn't that a scary thought! That others don't see you the way you see yourself. It is good to know that, in order to monitor one's own behavior and keep one from judging others too quickly.
Leah, have I told you lately how much I value our cyberspace friendship? It's comforting for me to know that you exist, even if we never see each other. Relationships of any kind are hard work. I too am very blessed with some good close friends. And I too am trying to sort out complicated would-be friendships. I'm in similar situations to several you have outlined in this post. God give us the grace to love His creatures as He does.
P.S. I'm enjoying your music. The a cappella group I am in at my school just did an arrangement of "Down in the River" based on this version.
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